Pretending.

My mind is not here.

By “here” I mean when I’m laying down next to my husband and he’s telling me about his day. Nor when we’re on a date and having dinner, just the two of us. My mind wanders off when I’m watching tv, when I’m cooking dinner, when I’m at work..

No, my mind is somewhere else.

Do you know what it’s like to pretend that you are happy? It’s tiring. Emotionally I am drained.

So I’m hurt when I say I have fallen out of love. I don’t know when, or how or why. But I did. I failed as a wife. I failed to keep my promise of loving him forever the way I said I would on the day of our wedding; August 3, 2013.

On the surface, there really is no reason for me to feel this way. All I can keep thinking is how this is not fair to him. He doesn’t deserve half-loving, he deserves to be fully loved! And I can no longer do that for him!

Marriage isn’t supposed to be like this should it? I shouldn’t feel like I’m trapped, like my life has stopped moving forward. I shouldn’t be hurting the one who loves me. I have felt like this for quite sometime now, but I haven’t made any move. I’m stuck, in fear of breaking him into a million pieces.

I don’t expect anyone to understand because I myself can’t fucking figure it out.

I want to be happy, I want to stop pretending.