Sad but hopeful

I write for me, maybe for you.

So I can make sense of what’s going on inside me.

Because I’m sad.

But there’s hope.

I’ve made a mess of myself.

 

 

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Awful.

Is being unhappy really enough to walk away? I’m having trouble believing it is. My husband LOVES me. He loves me. I don’t give him enough credit for the things he does. Or maybe I’ve MADE myself believe I’m not happy….

As I’ve mentioned before, he doesn’t deserve my doubt. He doesn’t deserve half loving, but I don’t want to imagine the pain he will feel if I say I want out. I feel awful feeling this way. I feel like I gave up very quickly. Whether it was a handful of events that got me here, or life’s plan for things to happen this way, I don’t…want..to work on things. I don’t want to force myself to be happy! I don’t want to force myself to say I love you, or reach for his hand or give him a kiss! Those things were once easy to do. Now I feel like a fake! A failure. All those promises I made… ruined. Is it possible I never truly loved him? Or is this something all married people go through? A phase you somehow have to endure to get to the good stuff? Or maybe I’m just a horrible, ungrateful person who doesn’t realize how good she has it.