Privilege 

I’ll never understand why the love Gods decided to give me you. For some odd reason, I’ve been given a second chance at loving. And what a privilege it has been falling in love with you. You’ve got the most perfect eyes, perfect lips, the perfect laugh; I didn’t stand a chance. I knew I’d fall for you and, my God, have I fallen. Love has shown no mercy on my heart. 

I fell in love in November.

You. With your smile that’s bigger than this universe. With a laugh that sounds like comfort. With hands that fit perfect in mine. And eyes that I find myself getting lost in again and again. Here I am, wanting more. Afraid of breaking this spell, I pray I can keep you forever. Love sounds good to me if it’s going to come from you. Will you, won’t you, be mine? Let me spend every November of the rest of my life with you. 

Repurposed 

You can try, I won’t stop you. But you’re going to fail just like the rest. Not because your Incompetent. No. Instead, you’ll prove the very thing I am most afraid of; that you’re just like the rest of them. Have I not made myself clear? I’m beyond repair! There is no fixing what is already broken. So. You can decide to create out of me something better with whatever there is left… or you can fail at trying to fix me just like they all did. How can I be so sure? Because. The moment I realize that you’re still holding on to the hammer and nails.. is the moment I realize you’re not listening. You must surely know, that if I could, I would have fixed my own self a long time ago. 

Let me simplify it. Don’t question my silence. I find comfort in it. And a person who’s learned to romance her demons doesn’t need a coward, instead, proof that your willing to fight them beside her instead of fighting them for her. If you don’t understand what that means, than you don’t belong here.

Rachel Wolchin said “I never wanted someone to buy me flowers. I wanted someone who’d plant them knowing that I’d be around when the flowers blossomed”  I need something like this.

I’ve learned to love the wildest parts of me. And once you learn that what I don’t need is saving, than I’ll show you how to love me too. 

All the things I’m afraid to admit.

I don’t even know where to begin. 

I’ve sure as hell made a mess of things. & here I am.. trying to correct them all. But how does a person go back? How does a person get away with so much? No… I didn’t get away with it,  did I? Because it eats at me every fucking day. And I wait my turn. Because surely it’s gonna come back to me; It’s gonna catch up to me. Or maybe it won’t, and I’ll live like this forever. With my secret digging itself deeper every single day. So I ask, yet again, how do people cope with bad decisions? How do you tell yourself that what you did isn’t who you are? That you are better person. That you’ve learned. How do you know that next time you won’t hurt him? How do you know that next time you won’t hurt yourself? 

A constant battle between remembering and forgetting. Undeserving; I am well aware. I won’t let myself forget. 

Today. 

I hate days like today. When my mind is jumbled up. Words are flying in and out of my head but nothing makes sense. I’m attempting to gain some clarity as I go, and maybe writing will help. 

I guess we all have off days sometimes, but I definitely allowed today to get the best of me. It’s 5:08pm and I’ve been in bed for most of the day. There’s no desire to sleep, but I lack the energy to get out of bed and do something productive. 

Today I will allow myself to do absolutely NOTHING. Not even feel. I don’t wanna feel anything. I’ll worry tomorrow. I’ll be useful tomorrow. But today, today I’m gonna sulk. And cry. 

& maybe tomorrow I’ll hate myself less for the things I’ve done, for the stupid decisions I’ve made. 

When the fuck did things get so messed up? 

Today I don’t do or feel anything. 

You’re back. 

Six years; I roamed this earth without you for six years. 

It’s been easy, letting you back in. 

There I was, thinking..this is as good as life gets. 

But you’ve taught me differently. 

You’ve brought me back to life. I’d been emotionally dead all this time and didn’t even know it.

I know love because of you. 

And if life decides once more to take you away from me, I will not fret. 

Never again will I think of you negatively, my soul will always search for yours.

You are and always will be.

Closure. 

I have no regrets. I loved him more than I loved myself. That was the problem. I loved him so much that I allowed things I shouldn’t have.

Here we are, 6 years later with a divorce in process and a nasty outcome.

The emotional stress that comes from a marriage where there is no respect is overwhelming. It messes with your head, with your heart, with who you are! 

My dreams weren’t as important as his dreams. My life wasn’t important as his. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

I thought he was my happiness. 

I was wrong. Now I’m truly happy. Now that I’m alone. And the tables have turned. He’s the one hurting, he’s the one breaking.

So why, God why do I still feel guilty? Why does he still have this hold on me to make me feel awful about myself? Why can I not be happy without guilt?

This is what our entire relationship has been like.